MANIPULATING THE STORM

By - Bruce Mars March 15, 2024 Comments (0) 4 Mins Read

I predicted a storm. Fierce, turbulent and destructive. The fear I felt caused my heart to race and anxiety to heighten. The vision…dark and debilitating. I paced nervously feeling as though this storm would sweep me away like the undertow of an ocean current. The ability to re-surface impossible, no matter how hard I try to find the light and breathe air once again. What is happening to me? I thought. My emotions were in unknown territory…unwelcome at that. Everything in my gut warned me. I must never travel down this road. All of a sudden, fear turned to anger. Anger led to motivation which gave me the power to take action.

I have always considered myself to be a person who is happy and positive. I have bad days like we all do and sometimes feel blue. So what. No big deal. Re-directing my attitude and turning the glum into something positive is one of my strengths. This is a gift I am truly thankful for. I was naive to think I would never become vulnerable to anything. I am stable. Always. This is who I am.

I was headed toward a life changing transition that would challenge those words. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I experienced a feeling unusual and incredibly uninvited. The elephant in the room depression. For the first time, I questioned my stability. I believe we all have some underlying fear of something. Or perhaps blatantly obvious such as the person so terrified of heights, you can see the sweat and panic as they try to step out onto the edge of the mountain top. My fear was no different.

I saw myself climbing into bed, burrowing under the covers, feeling paralyzed to come out. The situation would ultimately worsen. My behavior was so horrid, that I would neglect my marriage, withdrawing from everything important. I felt overwhelmed and wanted to slap myself out of it. The panic I felt empowered me to find a positive path. Create the road I CHOOSE to travel on, never ALLOWING this awful storm to surface. Ignoring it would be my demise. I refuse to participate in my own destruction. I will not be lured.

My mind began to process all of the things I have always wanted to do. With a wonderful family and a full time job, I happily made my life with them the priority. I never wanted to miss a single event. It was crucial to be completely present and the best mom I could possibly be. So, I simply, without resentment, filed away those dreams in my head labeling them as “maybe some day”. The more time went by, the harder it was to see myself ever fulfilling those dreams. All of a sudden I realized…the perfect plan lie in wait. It was up to me to bring this plan to life.

Inspired by my mother’s love for reading romance novels and my passionate imagination, I developed a strong desire to write my own. One of the goals I filed away. It became very clear what I needed to do and why. Not only did I want to manipulate this storm into a different direction, far away from myself, I wanted to work on a project that challenged me intellectually. Depression will not take over me and if I am successful, it never will. I carry the iron hammer.

I took a three day crash course on writing and publishing at my local community college. The class gave me the most important tools I needed to get started. I was completely unsure if I had the creative mind and talent to write. I went for it full throttle. Gas pedal all the way down as if my favorite song came on the radio. Writing is challenging, difficult and incredibly rewarding.

In 2018, my first novel Mason’s Gray was published. A second book, Reflections at Mirror Pond, was published in 2020. I followed through with what I set out to do. A goal I pulled out of the mental file and completed it. During this process, I HAD FORGOTTEN all about the transition a.k.a. the storm. I sailed right through it. The perfect breeze taking me exactly where I intended to go.

I predicted the storm and this I am thankful for. It gave me time to work on myself, find strength and focus. Make a plan and follow through with it. I hope my experience can help others. I saved myself from sinking and I have complete confidence moving forward, I can keep swimming no matter how rough the waters.